numb

melting into my surroundings, because i can. melting into the environment, i have grown accustomed to. light you up and breathe you in. you take away all my worries. i am numb, so comfortably numb.

ode to my zoloft

you sit there in my bottom drawer. i keep you there as my safety net. you know that i hate you, you also know that you keep me sane. i have stayed away from you for 6 months. i have locked you away and ignored you. i pretend that you can present me with nothing. when i really know, that without you i am spiraling downhill. my zoloft, i hate you. my zofloft, you make me better. my zoloft, my precious zoloft. i am too proud in mind to admit that my life is a chaotic disaster without you. i am too proud to swallow. i am above being dependant on you. but without you i crawl around in this empty depressed shell of a human being and barely exist enough to really live.

it's decision time

back to work today. i had a great weekend and the only thing that will get me thru this week, is knowing that i have already resigned and that i only have 5 days left at this place. i tell you what, once you resign in this industry, all of the trust and respect that you have built up for yourself over a period of time, flies straight out the window! management are only concerned that i don't take company information away with me, that i don't tell clients i am leaving, that i don't bad mouth the company and that i don't poach company clients on the side, for my own self interests. the funny thing is, i have no intention of even staying in the industry. this is just not for me - i am not cut out for it. i am over it and it is a shitty, dog eat dog, competitive industry that uses 'female consultant's' who are all dolled up, to prostitue its services to their industrial clientelle! i need to do something i enjoy. something where i can use my flare for style, be artistic and not be a clone of every single other corporate woman in australia who is trying to climb that wretched corporate ladder! what i will do with myself is still yet to be decided. i guess going away on holiday to the gold coast in queensland, going to sea world and hanging out on the beach for a week will clear my mind and give me time to think about, exactly what i will do with myself when i return. and that goes for both my professional and my personal life. it is decision time!

active athletes & their less active fans

well the commonwealth games certainly was interesting. the aussies did walk out with a few gold medals, so it was a great night! after the games, a work mate and i went into the village, visited a few bars and actually bumped into some of the international athletes from africa as well as trinidad and tobago. then we met a few blokes from the australian athletics team and got to take some photos with them. so the games were great and definitely worth attending. for the rest of the weekend, i did nothing but sleep, eat, relax, nap, snooze, rest, etc, etc. yes, it has been yet another boring weekend at home. relaxing, chilling out. virtually doing nothing but watch televison and breathe. i don't have much of a life right now. i am getting frustrated. my partner has no idea that i am frustrated. i feel irritated and frustrated. i feel like we are never doing anything. our life certainly isnt active, thats for sure! i guess i just don't want to feel like i am wasting my life away. to be honest, most times i feel like i am wasting my life away.

go australia, go

let the games begin. i am so excited about going to the commonwealth games tonight. the buzz in melbourne at the moment is really amazing. there are so many people here and there is a sense of 'oneness' in the community. i am going to see several events tonight straight after work. i have face paint, green and gold for australia of course, as well as several pom poms. i just hope that the aussies take home some gold to make it a night to remember for me! i have never been to anything this large so i really am quite excited. i am taking my sister and a girl from work with me. will update my diary tomorrow with the medal tally! go australia go! aussie, aussie, aussie, oi, oi oi!

commonwealth games

today i have resigned from my company. i gave them a weeks notice. i only have to stick out this job for another 5 days and then i go away on my holiday. hopefully when i come back I will be able to find a job quickly. tomorrow is an exciting day for me. i am going to the melbourne 2006 commonwealth games to see the athletics and track and field events. i hope the aussies win gold while i am there, just for the experience. i have never been to anything like the olympics or commonwealth games, so i really am quite excited about attending tomorrow. so far the aussies have one 52 gold medals, we are on a role and doing exceptionally well. very inspiring...i wonder if all of this action will inspire me to do some excercise.... nah, i doubt it.

i quit

i am so depressed. i cant shake this horrible feeling. i think it is because i have so many things going on at once. i need to leave this fucked up job, i cant stand it anymore. i feel like it is a dead end. i need out, and i need it now. everytime i walk thru the door and go into that hell hole, i just want to cry. i am at work now. at my desk about to burst into tears, writing my diary. i need to get out of here. i need to do it soon. i am going to get thru today and come in tomorrow as resign. thats it. me decision is made. i will resign tomorrow. i mean i cant handle the pressure of firing people. i am in industrial recruitment. i find tradespeople and labourers, work at big company sites. but when my clients dont want their casual staff anymore, i have to fire them. today i had to fire a friend just because the boss didnt like the way he looked. i hate being put in this position. tomorrow i resign and leave the industry after 3 years

mary jane

i am eating myself into a frenzy and smoking myself into a stupour! (not sure is stupour is a word) i came home from work today, smoked some dope and crashed out on the couch. i am sick of doing it. i have been doing it for far too long and it is starting to control my life. when i eat. when i sleep. when i get up. when i have sex, etc. i am going on holidays to the goldcoast in queensland, australia. i leave in 9 days. i will quit then and when i return from holidays i will not smoke ever again. it is so hard when my partner smokes and doesnt feel the need to want to stop. i always feel like i am on my own with things. i should be used to having no support. what has changed, really?

saying i am sorry

Why does is hurt to say sorry? Today I looked up a friend that I fell out with six years ago. I have learnt something. It hurts to humble yourself. It hurts to have screwed up. And it hurts to say sorry. The funny thing is, after you have done the difficult thing, you actually feel better. My life has been declining downhill for a while now. Trying to patch things up with an old friend feels somewhat good even though it was really hard to do. It really is the first constructive thing that I have done with myself in a while. I am still waiting for a reply from her. I wonder if she will accept my apology? I wonder if we will be good friends again? Its been so long since I cut her out of my life.

press play

I am about to press the 'play' button on my life, in the form of an online diary. I guess I cant take anymore and I need a place to hide away and spill all my thoughts for the day. A place where I can deposit my sadness and then go back to my hectic busy life and pretend that everything is ok. A place where I can vent my frustrations, my hearache, my depression and purge all the emotion that I trap inside of me. A place I can be free. A place I can be me.